Breaking up

There are many kinds of break ups. The end of a marriage, the end of a friendship, parents and children ceasing to talk, couples going their separate ways. What it is really is the end of a relationship.


No one sees them coming, or they are spotted a mile away. What is common is that its an ending of the way things are.


Many see endings as a bad thing. End means over, done, finished, stopped, a conclusion.
Those words can be percieved as negative.  It begins to  boil down to perception of the words tied up with a lot of emotion. Anger, loss, hurt, sadness, relief, a sense of liberation. 


Understanding when breaking up can add a sense of continuity to yourself as your path takes a different direction from the other persons.


Why is this relationship ending?  It could be as simple as one person no longer likes the other person, perhaps fallen out of love. One or both parties could have simply changed, and to remain together is more destructive to one another than to be apart.
It could be a situation where its unhealthy, and again to remain would be more destructive than staying.
In any case ending a relationship is usually the healthy move when one is honest with oneself and realizes and understands the why things are over. The problem can often lie in how the break up is handled. Too gentle and the other party may never see things as over and hurting emotionally is unable to move on with their lives. To rough, and the other party is emotionally destroyed and the damage could take years of therapy to overcome and to once again move on with their lives.


If you're not the one to end it, and there is no answer from the other party, sometimes, stepping back and taking a very hard look, one can find the answer in front of them. That things had changed, or the person grew in a different direction or simply it was just not healthy for either parties to be together. 


Of course I wrap it all up nice and neat here, when in reality break ups can be messy and painful. Full of self doubt, anger, tears and a horrible sense of loss. However if one can try and remember the foundation of breaking up, whats underneath all the emotion. The process of getting on with life, can be perhaps a little less rocky.

holidays not so blue

The holidays are over.... finally. The big build up, the expectations, the family. All of it that seems to wind up tighter and tighter from the day before thanksgiving till the big breath of relief that comes with new years day. The holidays do not seem to be much of a break for people. The rushing around going from place to place. Time going faster as expectations get higher. Its a time when people feel more lonely or more vulnerable. But why?

I can't exactly put my finger on it. Perhaps its the different dynamics of people meshing that normally do not mesh except during that one time of year. Perhaps there is the tension of being around these people that you would not normally be around. Yes they are your family and you're expected to love them, but that doesn't mean you have to like them. There is the pressure to be on your best behavior when sometimes  you just want to tell the person to go fuck themselves. There are the inane questions, the stepping into your life when you normally would not have that person within a 1000 feet of your life. Its the stress of enjoying a person, whilst avoiding another. Don't get me started on the comments on appearance or lifestyle. The well meaning/intentioned comments, that are clearly not well thought out.

The holidays are about expectations, of yourself and from others. Yeah, not much of a break.

I think there should be a vacation time, in January post Christmas holiday, where the whole idea is to spend time with the ones you want to spend time with, not the ones your expected to spend time with. A day, a long weekend put it on a Friday or a Monday, and its 3 days of post holiday decompressing.


I spent the holidays alone. I chose to this year, it was the most liberating and freeing time I've ever spent for the holidays I have ever had as an adult. Or since I came to realize that the holidays were actually a very stressful time for people. I highly recommend spending at least one Christmas season either alone or away with a friend. Its the best.

Chunky, a word to ponder

what a word, chunky... Would you want a piece of chocolate or a chunk of chocolate? A chunk of meat seems more barbaric than a piece of meat. The pronoun makes the descriptor work or not. Al  Pacino doesn't yell "Do you want a chunk of me?" he yells "Do you want a piece of me?" Chunk of cheese sounds much more appealing than a piece of cheese." I'll have a chunk of Cheddar to go with that apple, please?"

So, what makes it work in some cases and not in others? Chunk of fish? Yuck! Then again I don't like fish so even a piece of fish sounds nasty. Perhaps its a texture thing. Pudding should never be chunky, probably the same with jello. " Wow that jello was really chunky!" However chunky soup sounds very good especially after spending a day out in the snow. Chunky peanut butter can be a good or bad thing depending upon your taste preference. Chunky orange juice, or smooth? Yes I think its a texture thing as well as a context thing.

Its a gentler way to describe a person. "Well she had a great ass and nice legs but she's a bit chunky around the middle." Much gentler than saying " she was fat around the middle."  Chunks of stuff in your Ben and Jerry's is a good thing but chunks of stuff in your mousse is not. Chunky can be very good or horribly wrong.

Yeah I'm a chunk of chocolate kind of girl that is slightly chunky around the middle. :)

Curiosity and being in the sun.

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing." Einstein.
This quote that means a lot. I stopped questioning and my curiosity went to sleep. Without that, I stopped going down a random road or seeing what was over the next hill. One gets so focused on survival one loses the luxury of dreaming and being curious. Ones priorities shift and its a day to day events that grab the focus. Its not the inability to balance its the lack of time left to permit oneself to dream. The dreams get so lost one forgets they ever had them. Whimsical, the childlike wonder, the laughing all get lost. 

I have a friend that did not lose their whimsy, dreams, and looks at the world with wonder filled eyes. When I'm around this person all I want to do is smile and laugh, even during a disagreement. This person is down right now and all I want to be is silly, ridiculous, funny, anything to bring the smile back into this persons voice. It is not that I disrespect what they are going through its more like I want to bring the sunshine back to this persons cloudy day.

A time comes when you find those dreams again, you reach for the whimsical, you look once again at the world in childlike wonder and you laugh, laugh laugh.

Thankfull

Another Thanksgiving has past, much goes through my mind on that day and many things that I am grateful for. I thought that having a small thanksgiving would be lonely and sad. It couldn't be further from the truth. With the absence of a large amount of family, thanksgiving was as peaceful as I have ever had. No tension, no fighting, no knots in my stomach just a day of cooking and vegging.
There are many things that I have to be grateful for, my daughter, my mom, my dog,food on my table, that has been iffy a few times this year. My friends, several in mind, one in particular. Without those friends this year would have been a lot less bearable. My health while not 100%, it seems to be in a holding pattern, for which I'm grateful. I have a roof over my head, insurance, a vehicle. The pieces of my once shattered life are comeing back together and I'm stronger for it. I am thankful for the troops who stand in another country and serve our country. I am grateful for the beautiful blue sky, and the magnificent mountains here on Colorado. I am grateful to be alive and living life.

another hockey diatribe

So, I was in Detroit for a few days.. nice place full of Red Wings Fans, you know that team thats all red with a funny wing and wheel on their jerseys? I and my friend went to a game where my team, the fabulous Avalanche were playing the Red Wings. I was at their arena and everywhere I looked was Red. It was a little unnerving. A few were representing as was I, and as much as I hate to say it, kills me to say it the Wings are a damn good hockey club. Granted I think they are yellow bellied dog weasles for having Bertuzi or however you spell that fucks name, but damn they can play a hockey game. Just freaken kills me to say it. I walked away with a grudgeing respect for the club. Granted I'll never ever wear the red jersey and I will never ever cheer them on against my team or the Predators, but I hope they go after the slimy gits Canucks with all the power and fury they are known to have.

Adventures!

I have this friend! She's funny, smart, driven, and I'm so happy that she is back in my life.
I got to thinking about her today and I remembered one of our adventures.*Grin*


We were living together in Colorado. I was in one of my moods and feeling like seeing what was down the road. It was the butt crack of dawn for her, so I made coffee and went into her room and woke her up. " Get up sunshine, ROAD TRIP!!!" and I shoved the coffee under her nose. How I managed to not get slugged by her I'll never know because I know I had done this to her several times in the past. Anyway..... she cursed me I'm sure but being the absolutely fantastic friend that she is, she pulled her ass out of bed threw on some clothes and we got into the La Bamba ( land yacht) and headed north northeast on I 76. I had decided since none of us had been to Nebraska, that day would be the day to pop our "never been to hayseed land" cherries. Smoking a big fat joint helped a lot too. So we drove and drove, ( its freaken endless and flat out that way) and got rippin baked so as to end the flat land tedium.  


After what seemed like hours, ( hour and half)  we crossed the state line and pulled into a gas station.  We were all feeling pretty good and it was decided that a little humour was in order. Going inside we walked up to the counter, (I'm sure we reeked of weed)  and we asked the guy standing there where Colorado was. Remind you, we were right over the state line in a car with Colorado plates. The guy looked at us as if we had lost our minds and then proceeded to explain that it was right at the next exit. I believe that is when we informed him that we must have missed the whole state. Laughing our heads off cause we thought we were so funny we bought munchie food and left the bewildered gas station attendant and headed further into Nebraska.


I don't remember much more about the day except that I shot several rolls of film ( where those pictures are I have no idea) and at the end of this random road we followed we found an odd valley and a "Little House on the Prairie" church. It seemed weird this old church out in the middle of no where. Could be that I imagined the church I was pretty stoned. All and all an excellent adventure.


I am looking forward to having more adventures with her when I head up to see her this spring. Hoo ya!!