There are many kinds of break ups. The end of a marriage, the end of a friendship, parents and children ceasing to talk, couples going their separate ways. What it is really is the end of a relationship.
No one sees them coming, or they are spotted a mile away. What is common is that its an ending of the way things are.
Many see endings as a bad thing. End means over, done, finished, stopped, a conclusion.
Those words can be percieved as negative. It begins to boil down to perception of the words tied up with a lot of emotion. Anger, loss, hurt, sadness, relief, a sense of liberation.
Understanding when breaking up can add a sense of continuity to yourself as your path takes a different direction from the other persons.
Why is this relationship ending? It could be as simple as one person no longer likes the other person, perhaps fallen out of love. One or both parties could have simply changed, and to remain together is more destructive to one another than to be apart.
It could be a situation where its unhealthy, and again to remain would be more destructive than staying.
In any case ending a relationship is usually the healthy move when one is honest with oneself and realizes and understands the why things are over. The problem can often lie in how the break up is handled. Too gentle and the other party may never see things as over and hurting emotionally is unable to move on with their lives. To rough, and the other party is emotionally destroyed and the damage could take years of therapy to overcome and to once again move on with their lives.
If you're not the one to end it, and there is no answer from the other party, sometimes, stepping back and taking a very hard look, one can find the answer in front of them. That things had changed, or the person grew in a different direction or simply it was just not healthy for either parties to be together.
Of course I wrap it all up nice and neat here, when in reality break ups can be messy and painful. Full of self doubt, anger, tears and a horrible sense of loss. However if one can try and remember the foundation of breaking up, whats underneath all the emotion. The process of getting on with life, can be perhaps a little less rocky.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
holidays not so blue
The holidays are over.... finally. The big build up, the expectations, the family. All of it that seems to wind up tighter and tighter from the day before thanksgiving till the big breath of relief that comes with new years day. The holidays do not seem to be much of a break for people. The rushing around going from place to place. Time going faster as expectations get higher. Its a time when people feel more lonely or more vulnerable. But why?
I can't exactly put my finger on it. Perhaps its the different dynamics of people meshing that normally do not mesh except during that one time of year. Perhaps there is the tension of being around these people that you would not normally be around. Yes they are your family and you're expected to love them, but that doesn't mean you have to like them. There is the pressure to be on your best behavior when sometimes you just want to tell the person to go fuck themselves. There are the inane questions, the stepping into your life when you normally would not have that person within a 1000 feet of your life. Its the stress of enjoying a person, whilst avoiding another. Don't get me started on the comments on appearance or lifestyle. The well meaning/intentioned comments, that are clearly not well thought out.
The holidays are about expectations, of yourself and from others. Yeah, not much of a break.
I think there should be a vacation time, in January post Christmas holiday, where the whole idea is to spend time with the ones you want to spend time with, not the ones your expected to spend time with. A day, a long weekend put it on a Friday or a Monday, and its 3 days of post holiday decompressing.
I spent the holidays alone. I chose to this year, it was the most liberating and freeing time I've ever spent for the holidays I have ever had as an adult. Or since I came to realize that the holidays were actually a very stressful time for people. I highly recommend spending at least one Christmas season either alone or away with a friend. Its the best.
I can't exactly put my finger on it. Perhaps its the different dynamics of people meshing that normally do not mesh except during that one time of year. Perhaps there is the tension of being around these people that you would not normally be around. Yes they are your family and you're expected to love them, but that doesn't mean you have to like them. There is the pressure to be on your best behavior when sometimes you just want to tell the person to go fuck themselves. There are the inane questions, the stepping into your life when you normally would not have that person within a 1000 feet of your life. Its the stress of enjoying a person, whilst avoiding another. Don't get me started on the comments on appearance or lifestyle. The well meaning/intentioned comments, that are clearly not well thought out.
The holidays are about expectations, of yourself and from others. Yeah, not much of a break.
I think there should be a vacation time, in January post Christmas holiday, where the whole idea is to spend time with the ones you want to spend time with, not the ones your expected to spend time with. A day, a long weekend put it on a Friday or a Monday, and its 3 days of post holiday decompressing.
I spent the holidays alone. I chose to this year, it was the most liberating and freeing time I've ever spent for the holidays I have ever had as an adult. Or since I came to realize that the holidays were actually a very stressful time for people. I highly recommend spending at least one Christmas season either alone or away with a friend. Its the best.
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