Pretzels

I like them, they are the perfect food. Lucky for me the elusive "they"  make a gluten free pretzel and I can happily munch away on them. My dog likes them too, in fact she's convinced that she's sharing them with me. So, I can have my pretzels and my Sapporo beer ( its gluten free as well) and feel like I'm at a bar except that I'm barefoot, kicked back on my couch with my laptop and there are no drunk annoying people around, sticking their hands into my pretzel bowl.
Another perfect food, is of course, the ever popular, waxed poetic, wars fought over, creamy, smooth delicious, Chocolate. Whats even cooler is that pretzels and chocolate go together fabulously....

Life is good

A whole new way to hate

If you hate someone, truly hate them, don't waste your time wishing death on them, or hoping that their favourite pet dies, or a myriad of other equally heinous but creative ways to make one miserable. Just send them a letter with Bed bug eggs in it. Once those suckers hatch, they multiply faster than cockroaches and the person won't notice them till they are out of control. Their life will be a living hell for weeks! Oh my I have a letter to write!!!

Catch you on the flip side!

Life in a plastic bag

My life right now fits, into several large and small plastic bags. If I get rid of the furniture, I could easily pick up and move. Owning a truck makes it all the more simple. Toss the bags in back, fill the tank, and voila I'm on the road with all my stuff. Open highway calling to me, I'd have my cd's and my ipod to entertain me, and on the long boring streches where there are few cars and less cops I could practice my txting and driving. I'm sure I could master it, like these 20 something, without killing myself or my plastic bags. The big question is,where should me and my plastic bags go?




Where there are no fucking bed bugs......

Life in the complex

Its a cloudy day, the hot weather abated. Fresh morning air, ahhh, so I step outside my apartment, keys in hand, ready to go change out my laundry, and I'm greeted by a used condom in its wrapper, laying there like a albatross on my door mat. My first response was to kick it, which I did. It rests now in the middle of the walk way, its purple wrapper standing out against the grey cement. Purple and grey do go well together.

I live in a large apartment complex, its not the projects but its about one step up from them. People do not care about the place and drop their garbage where they may be standing, let their animals pee on the stairwells and buildings next to their doors. This is where they live yet they have no sense of their surroundings and the fact that other people live there as well. My new truck was scraped and smashed along the lower passinger side door, of course no one takes responsiblity for the accident. I am left holding the bill.

We have one neighbor that stands in the middle of the parking lot airing her business punctuated by many foul words. We pretend not to hear but its rather difficult to drown out as she does it pretty much at the top of her lung. This is an almost daily event in which you can set your watch to. We have another neighbor whos apartment smells so bad the oder wafts up, when he opens his front door. He smells fairly ripe himself. I bought the truck from his father.  Getting the smell out is proving to be an epic task

And then there are the fucking bed bugs.....

Trebuchet Font

Okay...a trebuchet its a really sexy medieval war machine. It also rolls off the tongue nicely... trebuchet go on say it out loud. But how in the hell does that translate into a font? Your keys are loaded and they fling the text up onto the screen, Voila!!!
You have been attacked by font mwahahah
What about guillotine font....? Oh the possiblities are endless.

Day two The Seige are the bed bugs winning?

 It feels like day 183million, These nasty blood sucking fuckers have me sacked..not the blue painted hotties, that sacked York in Braveheart.... nooooo  its everything I freaken own sacked in a plastic bag. So, I fight and wait for the terminator. He came last week and confirmed, I was like, "Duh". He said, "I'll be back." Not the sexy Arnold quote, just the terminex man. I was like, " wait.... no.. kill them now." He will come Thursday with liquid nitrogen, a vacuum and perform some miracle just like the Wizard of Oz. Pay no attention to the man behind the bloody curtain.  Then oh yes, joy of joys I get to wait two weeks while the little, stick to everything, eggs hatch. If that isn't bad enough, lets toss in the fact that they are asexual. For you non science, non English majors that means they can screw themselves and make eggs. 
The point of these creatures existence? I have no clue. I mean cockroaches we know their reason for being, they are suppose to out live human kind, Cher and Keith Richards and the freaken ghost of Elvis. Bed bugs on the other hand exist only to make life for those that are so lucky to have them a living hell of endless vacuuming and laundry....hmm wait, did I die??? 

Day one, the battle of the bugs

So, what is more disgusting than cockroaches??? Bed bugs. These little fuckers have gotten into everything in our building, and the war is on. Short of Napalm ( which actually sounds fun except I'd lose all my stuff) killing them is next to impossible. Rubbing alcohol is the next best thing to napalm except I can't light it on fire.
Denver, 6th on the list of cities infested. My house looks like a plastic bag bomb has gone off. My bedroom looks like Sasquatch and a cage fighter had it out the winner of course being the damn bed bugs. The shop vac and I at this point are intimate. These things are nasty, it has nothing to do with how clean or dirty your house is. They feed on one thing, human blood. I swear this is how the vampire stories got started.
So, next time you're complaining about your cockroaches, and yes I know they can get to be the size of a small komoto dragon, just remember,  cockroaches won't sleep with you, or feed off you.