the most amazing thing I've seen

there is a commercial on tv right now, I think its for intel it asks whats the most amazing thing you've seen...

there is no one thing... each is amazing in its own right... sunrise at redrocks on the shortest day of the year...the very first time I saw stephanie her eyes so bright and blue..amazing... the aurora borialis craclking across the night sky the blues and greens...amazing... the tide as it glows at night.. the grunion running..
sunset at the beach... the redwoods... watching mount st helens erupt...the first daffidill of spring..a storm rolling in off the pacific..an intimate smile..I could go on and on, and I probably will add to this...

Goodbyes

Goodbyes are never fun nor easy... they just simply are. I said goodbye to my friend yesterday, a delightful goodbye, full of laughs, chocolate, red wine and intimacy. But it was still goodbye none the less. He has his things I have mine. He gives the best hugs, and most importantly I am myself around him as he is with me.  A good friend to have.
 At the airport I hugged him tight, kissed him, taking with me the touch the feel, savoring the bond we two have as friends. But it was still goodbye.
Not a good by forever, just till we meet again. May be a few months, may be never again. With us, the two of us, the paths we are on its just an unknown.  What I do know is that as a person I really like him. He is rare in this world, in that you can be yourself around him, and not many people have that acceptance of others. He just is one of those that does. Time with him speeds up and slows down. It is a break being able to just be yourself.  I had a break.  For that I am grateful.
I said goodbye to my friend yesterday, hugged him, kissed him, turned and walked into the airport, got on a plane and flew home. Time to be my other self again. 

Sounds, touch, thought

Wind in the trees. waves crashing on the shore, a meadowlark singing, squirrels shouting indignantly at a cat. The hum of the air cooler in the background from the Safeway. My friends wonderful booming laugh. A 20 something kid high as he ran through traffic the police hot on his heels, "this is real" he announced his voice pitched with incredulity. My friends response along with his booming laugh. The hum of the interstate late at night. The whistle of train far in the distance. The mournful sound of a river barge heading up stream. The roar of a waterfall as it spills over the edge. The sound of thousands of people moving, talking and dancing at Movement.

My friends hug, to be wrapped up in those arms is a nice place to be.  kiss.. tender a promise of what could be. My dogs tongue on my hand. The embrace of friends as one stands and faces a fear. The simple pleasure of just holding a hand. An intimate embrace.

The promise of late fall, gave way to the lushness of its spring. The will of the people here astounds.  I am half way up the hill. I look behind a moment and see I've come a long way. I look forward. I can do this. I am not afraid anymore. Life....is....good.

Breaking up

There are many kinds of break ups. The end of a marriage, the end of a friendship, parents and children ceasing to talk, couples going their separate ways. What it is really is the end of a relationship.


No one sees them coming, or they are spotted a mile away. What is common is that its an ending of the way things are.


Many see endings as a bad thing. End means over, done, finished, stopped, a conclusion.
Those words can be percieved as negative.  It begins to  boil down to perception of the words tied up with a lot of emotion. Anger, loss, hurt, sadness, relief, a sense of liberation. 


Understanding when breaking up can add a sense of continuity to yourself as your path takes a different direction from the other persons.


Why is this relationship ending?  It could be as simple as one person no longer likes the other person, perhaps fallen out of love. One or both parties could have simply changed, and to remain together is more destructive to one another than to be apart.
It could be a situation where its unhealthy, and again to remain would be more destructive than staying.
In any case ending a relationship is usually the healthy move when one is honest with oneself and realizes and understands the why things are over. The problem can often lie in how the break up is handled. Too gentle and the other party may never see things as over and hurting emotionally is unable to move on with their lives. To rough, and the other party is emotionally destroyed and the damage could take years of therapy to overcome and to once again move on with their lives.


If you're not the one to end it, and there is no answer from the other party, sometimes, stepping back and taking a very hard look, one can find the answer in front of them. That things had changed, or the person grew in a different direction or simply it was just not healthy for either parties to be together. 


Of course I wrap it all up nice and neat here, when in reality break ups can be messy and painful. Full of self doubt, anger, tears and a horrible sense of loss. However if one can try and remember the foundation of breaking up, whats underneath all the emotion. The process of getting on with life, can be perhaps a little less rocky.

holidays not so blue

The holidays are over.... finally. The big build up, the expectations, the family. All of it that seems to wind up tighter and tighter from the day before thanksgiving till the big breath of relief that comes with new years day. The holidays do not seem to be much of a break for people. The rushing around going from place to place. Time going faster as expectations get higher. Its a time when people feel more lonely or more vulnerable. But why?

I can't exactly put my finger on it. Perhaps its the different dynamics of people meshing that normally do not mesh except during that one time of year. Perhaps there is the tension of being around these people that you would not normally be around. Yes they are your family and you're expected to love them, but that doesn't mean you have to like them. There is the pressure to be on your best behavior when sometimes  you just want to tell the person to go fuck themselves. There are the inane questions, the stepping into your life when you normally would not have that person within a 1000 feet of your life. Its the stress of enjoying a person, whilst avoiding another. Don't get me started on the comments on appearance or lifestyle. The well meaning/intentioned comments, that are clearly not well thought out.

The holidays are about expectations, of yourself and from others. Yeah, not much of a break.

I think there should be a vacation time, in January post Christmas holiday, where the whole idea is to spend time with the ones you want to spend time with, not the ones your expected to spend time with. A day, a long weekend put it on a Friday or a Monday, and its 3 days of post holiday decompressing.


I spent the holidays alone. I chose to this year, it was the most liberating and freeing time I've ever spent for the holidays I have ever had as an adult. Or since I came to realize that the holidays were actually a very stressful time for people. I highly recommend spending at least one Christmas season either alone or away with a friend. Its the best.