One moment you connect and the next its gone, or so it seems. You wonder if you're really capable of actually connecting with someone at all. Your doubts creep into your mind and begin to cloud things up. You want to really like a person but the fear of rejection is so great, you stay quiet. You slowly open up and your paralyzed that now that they know they will go. Because they have, many have, most have and you stand there going, what kind of asshole am I really. Self evaluation time, you pick, examine and you question till you've driven yourself mostly mad with the what and the whys.
Did you yell and scream? No. Did you whine and complain,? No. Did you cling or show need? Goodness no. To need at all sends people running away faster than I love you. You realize you're alone, totally alone and you wonder how it happened. Then you really take a look at things and you realize that you changed. Suddenly drastically, that one afternoon in Sept when your head hit the wall for the 9th time. Another concussion, along with a breakdown. Nine concussions, resulting in brain injury and permenent damage and PTSD.. all very real. With that, your friends took cover. After much thinking, I realized they used to say to me, "You're the strongest person I know." So what would they think when the strongest person they know, crumbles? Could it possibly happen to them? And they distance themselves. They have their own lives. And then there is the stigma of mental illness. "Why can't you just get over it?" I'm told. "You're just giving into it." "If you just try harder, if you just try at all." "You're letting fear rule you." "You're living in the past." " You're never going to get over it if you keep bringing it up." "You're coping out." "If you just try." I don't think anyone would say to a deaf person, " you're just giving into being deaf" or someone fighting MS, "You're never going to get over it if you keep bringing it up." I cannot beg, bargain, plead, pray, push, muscle through, forget, try harder, will it, stiff upper lip, Traumatic Brain Injury and PTSD symptoms away. I have brain damage and brain trauma, and what symptoms those bring with it are real and present. I've gotten mad at them, despaired at them, cried at them, went through physical therapy to learn to walk again because of them. Been in therapy. I am changed by them. Nothing is more.. surreal that knowing there is a you, that person that once was, and you can't get to that person again. And I can already hear people say, " well if you think you can't, then you never will" Its not a matter of the power of positive or negative thinking at work here. It is a matter of neural pathways that are damaged. And your brain WON'T be that person again. If I had a choice between this and losing my hearing or a limb, I'd take losing my hearing or a limb over brain injury and damage. And to all this, I am facing it alone. As I mention, those I had went away with this onset. I have not one person in my world, who has said, "I get it" and stuck around. They don't get it and they don't stick around or they keep a great distance from me. I can't do this alone anymore. I am horribly painfully isolated. I just want one person to actually give a shit about me. That I can lean on just a little bit. Just a tiny bit. Without this burning fear if I lean a little too much, I'm a bother, and they will go away. I wouldn't lean to much. And now its out there, and I feel like I am just whining. This is hell.
Did you yell and scream? No. Did you whine and complain,? No. Did you cling or show need? Goodness no. To need at all sends people running away faster than I love you. You realize you're alone, totally alone and you wonder how it happened. Then you really take a look at things and you realize that you changed. Suddenly drastically, that one afternoon in Sept when your head hit the wall for the 9th time. Another concussion, along with a breakdown. Nine concussions, resulting in brain injury and permenent damage and PTSD.. all very real. With that, your friends took cover. After much thinking, I realized they used to say to me, "You're the strongest person I know." So what would they think when the strongest person they know, crumbles? Could it possibly happen to them? And they distance themselves. They have their own lives. And then there is the stigma of mental illness. "Why can't you just get over it?" I'm told. "You're just giving into it." "If you just try harder, if you just try at all." "You're letting fear rule you." "You're living in the past." " You're never going to get over it if you keep bringing it up." "You're coping out." "If you just try." I don't think anyone would say to a deaf person, " you're just giving into being deaf" or someone fighting MS, "You're never going to get over it if you keep bringing it up." I cannot beg, bargain, plead, pray, push, muscle through, forget, try harder, will it, stiff upper lip, Traumatic Brain Injury and PTSD symptoms away. I have brain damage and brain trauma, and what symptoms those bring with it are real and present. I've gotten mad at them, despaired at them, cried at them, went through physical therapy to learn to walk again because of them. Been in therapy. I am changed by them. Nothing is more.. surreal that knowing there is a you, that person that once was, and you can't get to that person again. And I can already hear people say, " well if you think you can't, then you never will" Its not a matter of the power of positive or negative thinking at work here. It is a matter of neural pathways that are damaged. And your brain WON'T be that person again. If I had a choice between this and losing my hearing or a limb, I'd take losing my hearing or a limb over brain injury and damage. And to all this, I am facing it alone. As I mention, those I had went away with this onset. I have not one person in my world, who has said, "I get it" and stuck around. They don't get it and they don't stick around or they keep a great distance from me. I can't do this alone anymore. I am horribly painfully isolated. I just want one person to actually give a shit about me. That I can lean on just a little bit. Just a tiny bit. Without this burning fear if I lean a little too much, I'm a bother, and they will go away. I wouldn't lean to much. And now its out there, and I feel like I am just whining. This is hell.
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